My dorm room bed was tucked in the corner against a large window and a blue slanted wall that hung over head. I was a sophomore in high school and it was my first semester attending boarding school abroad. Considering that it rained like clock work nearly every afternoon in the English countryside, my bed had become a place of immense comfort and security after school in this foreign environment. It was that same fall that I picked up a book titled The Red Badge of Courage and through it was able to better understand and take hold of my own life. I believe that much of why this book was able to effect me so deeply was simply because of where I was in my own life story. Nevertheless it is an incredible story about facing our greatest fears and finding a way to embrace and overcome them while still remaining true to who you are.
In Stephen Crane’s The Red Badge of Courage, Henry (the main character) enlists in the Union army, thus removing himself from all he has ever known, and blindly casting himself into a world of the unfamiliar. Once a soldier in the Union army Henry is forced to overcome his own self doubts and face his fears head on. My experience of studying abroad at the Tasis School in London, England my sophomore year of high school, required me to surmount many of the same struggles and self-doubts Henry experienced after sighing into the Union army.
Henry still a boy in his youth, is rash and impulsive when enlisting himself into the Union army. With no one to hold his hand, is now forced to stand on his own or crumble. Never having been away from his home, let alone in the hot midst of battle he can not contrive how he will react under these intense and alien conditions.
Parting with my home that had seen me grow, and leaving behind the family left me with a similar feeling of uncertainty. I had been a student at Hockaday since pre-school, and was terrified of attending a new school. Yet I was excited, for the first time in my life I had a chance to learn how I would react in a new environment. I would have the opportunity to learn more about who I was, and to re-define myself. This was important to me, since the expectations of me, as well as the expectations I had for myself, had been defined for me as early as the first grade. I had never been a spectacular student at Hockaday and was constantly struggling to keep my head above water, and clinging to tutors to help me stay afloat. I was nervous to see how I would measure up to students of another school.
In war Henry is a soldier, united to his comrades by a special brotherhood. They face death together. See fear in each other’s eyes. Witness one another’s moments of rage, cowardness, revenge, and devotion. They are unified by their painful memories and their dedication to fight for a greater cause.
In battle Henry proves himself by disregarding his fears of death and shame charging courageously into battle. Henry waves the flag proudly, making himself a target to all enemies, hoping to encourage his comrades to continue the fight. This patriotic act of duty provides Henry with a gratifying sense of self confidence.
The friends I made during my time at Tasis are irreplaceable. I felt closer with my roommates after my first month of school than I felt with girls I had known all my life in Dallas. We became a family. They are the laughter that follows my jokes, regardless of how dry they may have been. Similar to Henry’s tight nit bond with his fellow soldiers, my relationship with my roommates is one which no one but them can ever comprehend the immeasurable importance of it.
Determined to succeed on my own, prove that I was capable of being a strong student if I only applied myself. To prove that tutors were a crutch I did not need to relay on. A crutch I feel had weakened by ambition, self-confidence and determination in the past. I pushed myself to change my history of receiving simply satisfactory grades. After an exhausting year of continuous sacrifices I had achieved academic success. I had raised my expectations for myself, and shocked my family. Most importantly I was over come with pride and a foreign feeling of self-respect.
Henry, a veteran of many years, is content with himself. He is able to reflect on who he was before the war and the decisions he made during the war. He admits to mistakes he has made in his past and has been able to come to terms with them. He is no longer insecure for having run away from battle, nor is he covered in guilt and shame. After much time, he is finally comfortable with who he has become.
I return home from England a confident and open minded individual, still possessing the core spirit of the curious and excited young girl who set off on an adventure two years before. I have left jolly old England behind me taking from it, a new source of self reliance, and a greater respect for myself. My time abroad has reminded me that one must never judge someone solely on their appearance, for the beauty in both people and place lies beneath the surface.
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